I've always wanted a big family.  You know, probably 4 kids, so that there will always be big Christmas's and lots of noise and fun and people that have to love you because you gave birth to them.  Being a Mom has been something I've wanted as long as I can remember.  When I was eight we were learning about the rapture  at the little church my family were members of...how we will be taken up to heaven with Jesus... and I remember praying "Please let me have the chance to have my own kids before that happens."  I was that annoying girl that always asked to hold your baby at church.  I loved kids, I loved babies, and I couldn't wait to have that for myself someday. 

That being said, even though I married at 18, we waited 7 full years before we decided we were ready for a baby.  She was the best thing, EVER.  It was a MILLION times better than ever holding any other baby.  My heart beat with hers.   I still think she's the best thing ever,  she and Kate both.  But lately it's been a heavy burden on my heart whether I'm doing that great of a job raising them.

There's a variety of Mom that amazes me.  The ones that seem to have it all together....their kids always look clean and perfect.  Their hair is just so, makeup done, outfit just the right amount of classic and trendy.  Then there are Moms that I see that have this (in my mind) irrational sense that they've got this whole "parenting" thing down.  They rock it.  When they sign up for snacks at preschool  they bring a variety of fruit crafted into holiday themes and their kids don't know who Strawberry Shortcake or LalaLoopsy are, because of course their kids don't watch TV.  They don't really have to use time-out, "because she's just so amazing, I never have to really correct her."

I am not that Mom.  Really, I'm neither of them.  I am not perfect.  Neither are my kids.  Neither is my husband. 

It almost makes me laugh, because anyone that's spent 10 minutes with our family knows we're not perfect.  BUT, that being said, there's this whole cyberworld, and the majority of you have not spent 10 minutes with us...and so I would like to publicly proclaim I'm taking this whole parenting thing one day at a time...just trying to raise my kids to love Jesus and people and show them the best (though often fallible) example of what it looks like to live a life with integrity and grace for others.

I repeat.  We are not perfect.  We have real issues.  Issues that are too personal to blog. 
Like, look -at-your-girlfriend-and-raise-your-eyebrows kind of issues.  You know, those things that some day will be a blessing and a testimony and really inspire others...but for now they are just real life hard things you have to walk through issues. 

So today, while at Chick-fil-A with our after ladies bible class brood of Moms and kids...I got called out by a stranger-Mom on our all too real imperfections.  Our brood of kids were playing in the play area while we ate our lunch.  I made sure to spot Kate every few minutes to make sure she was safe/not crying etc.  And then....ouch...a Mom gives me the "come here finger motion" and I knew we were in trouble.  She was frustrated, with Kate because Kate wasn't sharing part of the toddler area and was being ugly to her daughter.  I wasn't in the area to witness any of this, but took the Mom's word for it, had Kate apologize, then we left Chik-fil-A.   Please hear me when I say, I am not so delusional to think my child could never be ugly to another child.  I've raised her for 2 1/2 years, I know she can be a handful.  BUT, the way she approached me and knocked my already fragile "Mom confidence" down about 10 nothches was so hateful.  Why is it we need to make other Mom's feel inferior??  It's like being in Target and seeing another Mom and her kids are being horrendous. What do you do?  Do you look at her with a sneer along with all the other annoyed shoppers, or do you give her a pat on the back and let her know we've ALL been there and ask if there is anything you can do to help? 

By the time I got to my car with Kate and Blake I was in tears.  I had promised Blake an icecream so I had to pull it together enough to get through the drive-thru without looking like a basket-case. 
All that to say, why not show grace?  My gut reaction was to give that Mom a lecture about how I'm doing the best I can, and I know my 2 1/2 year old sometimes acts 2 1/2 and  that maybe we could all just hang in there together and be kind and yes I'd be happy to correct any unkind behavior my child had and have her apologize...but WHY come at me like you've got this parenting thing all figured out?  I'm quite certain that any child taken in public on a regular basis will at some point act unruly and embarrass their parents.  I just hope that when her child does, someone is kind to her and gently shows her that we're all just trying to do the best we can. 

So this came at a hard time while I'm trying to figure out if we should grow our family. 
If I can't even seem to hold down what we've got going right now is it really a good idea to add another child into the mix?  This is just me being as honest as I can.  Kids are hard.  Just getting us all fed breakfast, dressed and in the car sometimes wears me out.  Yes, I love them.  Yes, I'd lay my life down for them  and YES they are hard.  They will take all I am willing to give.  If I give them every ounce of me, poured out...they will accept it. 

I still love the gift God is giving me in being a Mother.   And a crazy part of me still wants to add more chaos to this mix and grow our family.   But days like today make me wonder if that's smart when I struggle even now. 

I'm thankful I was able to hold my tongue, apologize to the accusatory chik-fil-a Mom and walk out with as much grace toward her as I could muster.   Parenting will always humble me, I will never feel like I've got it all figured out.  And if I see you almost pulling your hair out in Target while holding your screaming toddler, I will quietly tell you as I walk by "We've all been there."   And I hope you will do the same for me....

In the words of Ann Voskamp... All is Grace...