Tell the Truth

I feel like I've left loose ends with those of you that walked our last months with us while having Jax in our home.  For that, I'm sorry.  I'm reading through Jen Hatmakers book "For the Love" and it's given me the courage to try to give the story of our last several weeks.  Jen reminded me to just tell the truth.  That maybe my imperfection and vulnerability will help you see that we all struggle. 

 

So, here's my truth.

Little man was reunited with his mom about 2 weeks ago.  She lives very far away, so we will not get to see him often.  I've stayed in close contact and pray many times a day for them both.

 

I wish I could say I took the whole process of welcoming a child that wasn't born into our family with nothing but love and patience.  
But I try not to lie. 

The season of adding a 4th child stretched me to places I hadn't known before.
 I was not always patient.  I was not forever self-sacrificing.  I messed up at times.  And while I had dreamed of someday adopting or fostering, this process has shown me dark, selfish places of myself that unless Jesus truly changed my heart then those goals are no longer an option for me. 

That's my truth. 

Quite honestly, I wanted that to be my thing for God.  So coming to terms that it is not is hard for me.

We were not asked to keep little man indefinitely, but that doesn't mean I didn't contemplate what my decision would be if we were...and that's where I struggle.

 

Jesus and I are starting to sift through what he thinks of me and how we walked through this situation.  My biggest truest fear is that he is disappointed in me.

   But even so, I feel his love.

Even so, he is for me. 

That is why I love Jesus.