If they gave out awards for worst bloggers ever, I'd probably be first in line for my plaque!

I honestly thought that giving up facebook for the month of December (and maybe longer) would free up some time to write some blog entries...but here in it 9:55 p.m. and all I'm going to give you is pictures.   Sorry.  I swear I have so many things to say, and maybe after the holidays I'll get around to saying them.  But for now....family pictures. 

November 13, 2012

Dear Blake,

Today you turn 5 years old. FIVE. YEARS. OLD. (pause for dramatic effect).


Will I ever get used to you growing up? I see pictures of you from when you were 3 and think, YES, that's my little girl...then I look at you and you've grown so much, and look every bit your 5 years....not 3. I often ask you to please stay 4. Last week we were snuggling on the couch, just you and me. Kate already in bed, Daddy working on a project. And I was in awe of how much I love you. I asked again if you could just not turn 5, because that's too old. You assured me you were ready to be 5, then promised me you would snuggle me no matter how old you were. (You also pinky promised to always live with us..)


You are such a precious, loving girl. You randomly tell me you love me, that you love Kate and think she cute, that we are the "perfect parents just for you." But YOU, my little love are the perfect little girl just for us. It's funny because we all know that you and I have brown eyes and Daddy and Kate have blue eyes. We had a conversation that went like this:

You: Hey Mom. Kate and Daddy have blue eyes. I want blue eyes, too.

Me: Well, what about me (meaning, hey, I like it that our eyes are brown.)

You: It's ok Mommy, you can have blue eyes too.

Burn. But I hope you grow up know you are beautiful beautiful beautiful. I look at your little dimples and bobbed hair cut (we'll touch on that in a minute) and wouldn't change one thing about you. But what's most important to me is that you are STUNNING on the inside. You share easily, you protect Kate and other friends that are with us (because you always want friends around), you are genuinely kind and compassionate. That's what I'm proud of.



Thanksgiving is coming up and so today I asked you what you were most thankful for, and honest to goodness without any prompting you replied "God and his people."
 

On our way out of preschool today we saw your teacher loading her car up and you said “Mom, I didn’t know teachers had cars!!!” 


You take care of your sister in ways that surprise me.  I have to remind myself that you aren’t in charge of her and to give you a break!  You are a big help to me sweet girl.  You keep Kate busy if I’m in the middle of something.  You like to help clean up the house and make dinner.  You even fold laundry with me. 
 

So earlier this year you and your cousin were playing at our house....and to make a dramatic event as nondramatic as I can I'll just say you two cut all each other's hair off. 4 months later we still take an extra 10 minutes every morning to make sure your hair lays smooth. Come ask me and I'll give you the dramatic version, ha!


You LOVE dresses. You love fancy, frilly, pink dressy dresses. And dress-up! Oh my you love dress up. Sometimes you'll play with blocks and want to build things, but 99% of the time you want to play dress up! We had our new neighbors over (they are boys ages 3 and 5) and lo and behold if they weren't in dresses within 15 minutes of being at our house.


You can write all your letters and count to 20.  You love to sing the songs you know in the car.  Your favorite song right now is “You are Savior” by Laura Story.  Your favorite colors are gold and silver.  Your favorite TV show is Wild Kratts.   Your favorite food is pizza.  We just raised the training wheels a little on your bike and you can’t wait to practice without them.  Your favorite fruit is apples, veggie is carrots.

If I had my way, I’d keep you four.  Crazy, I know.  But hopefully you’ll remember this year and how much fun we had.  How you would spend hours coloring princesses with pretty dresses, with the background always blue sky and green grass.  I hope you remember the fun we had with all your friends:  sleepovers, staying after preschool at the playscape,  riding bikes and scooters with the neighbors, swimming this summer.  I hope you remember snapshots and you someday miss being 4 too. 

You have my whole heart Lindsay Blake. 

I’ll never give up on you.  I will always be your biggest biggest fan, because I think you are amazing. 

Love you forever,

Mommy

I've always wanted a big family.  You know, probably 4 kids, so that there will always be big Christmas's and lots of noise and fun and people that have to love you because you gave birth to them.  Being a Mom has been something I've wanted as long as I can remember.  When I was eight we were learning about the rapture  at the little church my family were members of...how we will be taken up to heaven with Jesus... and I remember praying "Please let me have the chance to have my own kids before that happens."  I was that annoying girl that always asked to hold your baby at church.  I loved kids, I loved babies, and I couldn't wait to have that for myself someday. 

That being said, even though I married at 18, we waited 7 full years before we decided we were ready for a baby.  She was the best thing, EVER.  It was a MILLION times better than ever holding any other baby.  My heart beat with hers.   I still think she's the best thing ever,  she and Kate both.  But lately it's been a heavy burden on my heart whether I'm doing that great of a job raising them.

There's a variety of Mom that amazes me.  The ones that seem to have it all together....their kids always look clean and perfect.  Their hair is just so, makeup done, outfit just the right amount of classic and trendy.  Then there are Moms that I see that have this (in my mind) irrational sense that they've got this whole "parenting" thing down.  They rock it.  When they sign up for snacks at preschool  they bring a variety of fruit crafted into holiday themes and their kids don't know who Strawberry Shortcake or LalaLoopsy are, because of course their kids don't watch TV.  They don't really have to use time-out, "because she's just so amazing, I never have to really correct her."

I am not that Mom.  Really, I'm neither of them.  I am not perfect.  Neither are my kids.  Neither is my husband. 

It almost makes me laugh, because anyone that's spent 10 minutes with our family knows we're not perfect.  BUT, that being said, there's this whole cyberworld, and the majority of you have not spent 10 minutes with us...and so I would like to publicly proclaim I'm taking this whole parenting thing one day at a time...just trying to raise my kids to love Jesus and people and show them the best (though often fallible) example of what it looks like to live a life with integrity and grace for others.

I repeat.  We are not perfect.  We have real issues.  Issues that are too personal to blog. 
Like, look -at-your-girlfriend-and-raise-your-eyebrows kind of issues.  You know, those things that some day will be a blessing and a testimony and really inspire others...but for now they are just real life hard things you have to walk through issues. 

So today, while at Chick-fil-A with our after ladies bible class brood of Moms and kids...I got called out by a stranger-Mom on our all too real imperfections.  Our brood of kids were playing in the play area while we ate our lunch.  I made sure to spot Kate every few minutes to make sure she was safe/not crying etc.  And then....ouch...a Mom gives me the "come here finger motion" and I knew we were in trouble.  She was frustrated, with Kate because Kate wasn't sharing part of the toddler area and was being ugly to her daughter.  I wasn't in the area to witness any of this, but took the Mom's word for it, had Kate apologize, then we left Chik-fil-A.   Please hear me when I say, I am not so delusional to think my child could never be ugly to another child.  I've raised her for 2 1/2 years, I know she can be a handful.  BUT, the way she approached me and knocked my already fragile "Mom confidence" down about 10 nothches was so hateful.  Why is it we need to make other Mom's feel inferior??  It's like being in Target and seeing another Mom and her kids are being horrendous. What do you do?  Do you look at her with a sneer along with all the other annoyed shoppers, or do you give her a pat on the back and let her know we've ALL been there and ask if there is anything you can do to help? 

By the time I got to my car with Kate and Blake I was in tears.  I had promised Blake an icecream so I had to pull it together enough to get through the drive-thru without looking like a basket-case. 
All that to say, why not show grace?  My gut reaction was to give that Mom a lecture about how I'm doing the best I can, and I know my 2 1/2 year old sometimes acts 2 1/2 and  that maybe we could all just hang in there together and be kind and yes I'd be happy to correct any unkind behavior my child had and have her apologize...but WHY come at me like you've got this parenting thing all figured out?  I'm quite certain that any child taken in public on a regular basis will at some point act unruly and embarrass their parents.  I just hope that when her child does, someone is kind to her and gently shows her that we're all just trying to do the best we can. 

So this came at a hard time while I'm trying to figure out if we should grow our family. 
If I can't even seem to hold down what we've got going right now is it really a good idea to add another child into the mix?  This is just me being as honest as I can.  Kids are hard.  Just getting us all fed breakfast, dressed and in the car sometimes wears me out.  Yes, I love them.  Yes, I'd lay my life down for them  and YES they are hard.  They will take all I am willing to give.  If I give them every ounce of me, poured out...they will accept it. 

I still love the gift God is giving me in being a Mother.   And a crazy part of me still wants to add more chaos to this mix and grow our family.   But days like today make me wonder if that's smart when I struggle even now. 

I'm thankful I was able to hold my tongue, apologize to the accusatory chik-fil-a Mom and walk out with as much grace toward her as I could muster.   Parenting will always humble me, I will never feel like I've got it all figured out.  And if I see you almost pulling your hair out in Target while holding your screaming toddler, I will quietly tell you as I walk by "We've all been there."   And I hope you will do the same for me....

In the words of Ann Voskamp... All is Grace...

There's a new splash park by our house. 

We met our buddies there this morning before it was a bajillion degrees outside.

Just Pictures

Blake climbing at the bounce house

Sisters enjoying their party favors from a birthday party

Visiting the stockyards with Nana and Papaw

This wasn't even fake!!! They really do love each other!!

The beauty of Fossil Rim, TX

Best Buddies

This fella was hungry!

Can you say "CREEPY"? 

Looking at the buffalo with PaPaw.

Blake and I had a day just us....this was one of the highlights for her.  Riding the rides at Kroger.

On the Bed of Nails at the Children's Museum

Kate, Caitlyn and Blake at the Children's museum.  We LOVE HER!!!

Blake, Kate, Lex, and Caitlyn at the water park.

The Seesaw Grandpa Brown brought the girls!

Riding the Jetski on Lake Grapevine. 

Oh ya know...just hanging out...

You know when your Mom calls and asks if you have somehow blocked her off your blog list because it's been so long since you posted that maybe it's time for an update.

So here is my synopsis of the past 2 months. 

Life is busy....and often messy. 

 Around here, it's felt like both. 

 And honestly there's always something to do that takes priority over blogging. 

 Like playing with the kids, cooking meals, cleaning up meals, giving baths, vacuuming (again!!), maybe having a phone conversation with an adult, play dates, working, reading, finding time alone with Nick, finding time alone with the Lord. 
Somehow tons of little things find a way to take up my entire day.
  Just like every other Mom in the world :)

So here's a few things going on with us:

We're selling our house.  Well maybe I should say we're trying to sell our house.  Oh boy, I could give myself a stroke stressing over having a perfect home to show potential buyers.  In fact I had it all planned how smoothly this process would ensue because a potential buyer would walk into our home and be astounded at the sheer beauty of my domestic endeavors.
 The sparkling toilets and floors, the staged bedrooms, the lack of any personal photo in the entire place and automaticaly offer us full listing price for our home....
cause that's completely reasonable right? 

God is so funny. 
He knows I grasp at any control I can get. 

And he knows how to not -so- humbly remind me I'm not in control. 

 Like when our first showing was while I was starting a 12 hour shift at the hospital, my younger brother in law was at our house with 4 little girls and a dog and Nick had to go ino the office for an emergency.  Talk about me having no control.  I had to laugh. 

Or when we thought there was a solid offer on our home so we found a new one for ourselves only to have our buyer back out a week later. 

One of my favorite ways I was shown I'm not in control was the 2nd weekend our house was on the market.  My Mom and Grandma were coming for a weekend visit. 
My Granmda is such a healthy lady, she has overcome breast cancer but other than that is 100%.
  So when she walked into my living room ater a 6 hour car ride with a pained look on her face and  admitted with reluctance she was having chest pain I knew we couldn't ignore it. 

Praise the Lord I know a good hospital!  
We headed to my hospital thinking we would be home in a few hours feeling silly for making such an improtu visit to the ER.
  In fact, she almost had me talked into turning around and taking her home, so convicing she was that she felt better. 

But knowing that time is of the essence with cardiac matters we went on. 
Three nights and three cardiac stents later she was back to my house
then back home to Arkansas the next day. 
It was a whirlwind of a weekend, with 4 showings that Saturday while Grandma was in the hospital. 

So yes Lord, I'm getting it.  Not. In. Control.

So you need more proof?

Two weeks ago my neice was staying the night. 

 It's pretty common for her to spend a night a week with us. 

Sometimes Usually she and Blake find ways to get into things they aren't supposed to...
and I know this.

But when Kate walked out of their room bringing me some kids scissors, I was confused.

  I walked into the room to see TWO little girls with hair chopped in various degrees of

OH MY GOODNESS.

I was completely shocked. 
Me?
  The Mom who limits sugar and tv and processed food has TWO kids (one who is not mine!!)
in my house,
under my care
that have given and received horrendous hair cuts. 
God help us all. 
I frantically called her Mom.
  I  frantically called Nick. 
Then in shock I sat and cried. 
Then we rushed to a hairdresser that did the best she could to make our girls look fit to go in public without embarassment.  Then we came back home to lots of long talks (she loves those ;) about how she knew better and how she can't have curls or braids for a very long time. 
About how you do what you know is right no. matter. what. 
About punishments we need to execute so she remembers that we never ever ever cut hair. 
I'll still never understand how why they did it. 
My daughter loves her hair.
 She loves having it braided and curled and pairing it with a pretty bow and a ruffled dress.
  She is all girl. 

So now she is all girl with a short little chopped haircut.

In all seriousness the Lord has been working on my heart about HIS control over my life.
  He is faithful when I am overwhelmed.  Praise the Lord.

I have felt inadequate, over-burdened, beat down...then I found this verse.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said,
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”
 So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. http://bible.us/2Cor12.8.NLT

I still can't read it without tears filling my eyes.
When I am weak, Christ is working?? 
So easy to say, hard to let sink in. 
But believe me when I say it held me up this week.
My burdens are so light compared to others, but somehow they can still wear deeply on me. 
So I cling to this verse. 
I let his words and promises change my heart and I choose Joy.
  I choose renewal by His spirit. 


If you made it to the end, you deserve lots pictures...I promise I'll work on it!

Because I have been a Terrible blogger, here is what was saved in my draft!
I promise to get a family update soon.  There's plenty to talk about, so I'll work on it :)

Meanwhile, several MONTHS ago....goodness....my Dad and Kim came for a nice long visit...
Here's some of what we did..

Life Questions

Dear Blake,

Today you asked me a tough question.  It seemed easy enough when you asked it, but as a few minutes passed it made me contemplate a few things. 

You asked me "Do bad people get to go to heaven?" 

My knee-jerk reaction was, "No, sweetheart they don't."

But then a few minutes passed and I caught myself.  I tried explaining this concept to you, but I could tell it didn't sink it...so I wanted to write it out so that someday you can look back on it. 

What we believe is that we are going to be in heaven some day only because of what Jesus did for us on the cross.  The Bible says that we (me especially) would ever be able to stand in the "GOOD" category without the blood of Jesus.  Without Him standing in my place and saying to God, "Wait, don't look at all she's done wrong, look at what I did for her on the cross!  I will stand in her place, I paid for all her sin!"   {for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23}

There is only one that lived a "Good" life, a perfect life, and that is Jesus.   So my answer now to you is:  There are lots of bad people in heaven....but they looked to Jesus and accepted his free gift of salvation and even though they did nothing to deserve it they will get to spend an eternity with God.  Just like you and me, there is nothing we can do to be good enough for God's presence.  And yes there are "bad" people.   Those that hurt, threaten, bully.  But the truth is that there is nothing so bad that God can't forgive us and welcome us into his family, and into heaven someday, if we accept Jesus as our perfection. 

The key to how we live our life now is this....because of what Jesus did, because of his great love, we live our lives wanting to show him how thankful we are for what he did.  How could we do less? 

God uses you little one, more than you know, to make me remember these things. 

Love,

Mommy

Kate is 2!

March 29, 2012

Dear Kate,

You are now officially a two year old!  We just celebrated you with a big birthday with lots of friends.  You had a Piggy cake, a bounce house and an Egg hunt!  You actually had FOUR parties this year!  We traveled to Arkansas last week to see all our family.  Nana and Papa, Grammie and Papaw, and Grandma and Grandpa EACH had you a party!  That’s a lot of getting “Happy Birthday” sung to you and lots and lots of cake and cupcakes!   You had a great time in Arkansas.  You really love your grandparents and all your cousins.    

As I write this you and Blake are playing in Blake’s room trying to avoid a nap time.  It’s funny how well you two play together when a nap time is looming. 

You love to sing, mostly twinkle twinkle little star, but there is a song I sing to you at bed time. It goes like this:

“Think of me every day.

Hold tight to what I say,

Then I’ll be close to you even from far away.

Know that wherever you are

It is never too far

If you think of me I’ll be with you.”

I hope you remember this song when you’re older.  I’ve loved singing it to you every night.

Just recently you started climbing out of your crib.  For two years you have been a fantastic sleeper, but I’m afraid that is no longer the case.  You dread being laid down and immediately climb out of your crib.  It’s been a learning process for our whole family!  Recently I rock you a little longer, then stand by your crib a few minutes in hopes you will drift to sleep. 

You are so excited to come find us when you wake up in the morning.  You’ll say “I out!!”It’s hard to be angry that you are up earlier than usual when you are so proud of yourself. 

You love babies.  You like to tickle them and play with their toes. 

You have the cutest little “Phoebe from Friends” run: arms flying, big grin across your face.  This has also led to lots and lots of scraped knees but you don’t really mind. 

You make new friends everywhere you go.  You are very outgoing. 

You still LOVE piggy.  She is a big part of our day!  She’s getting a bit tattered but you don’t mind.  You like to pretend Piggy is crying and comfort her, or pretend she needs a snack and let her have some of yours.   You even like ME to comfort Piggy if she is upset. 

Your favorite books are “Chicka, Chicka, Boom, Boom” , “How does a Dinosaur say I Love You?” and anything Sandra Boyton. 

Your favorite show is Blue’s Clues with Dora in a close second.

Your favorite drink is chocolate milk.

Your favorite food is cheese or anything sweet.

Beside me, Daddy and Blake your favorite person is your Uncle Baus.  You ask for him so much and just light up when he is around. 

You are SO confident in your colors, but are rarely correct! I’ll ask you what a color is and you will instantly shoot back “Green!!” when the object is red.  It makes me laugh every time.  Who knows if you really know it’s red and just like making me laugh.

Being your Mommy is so much fun.  We have a great time taking walks, coloring, going to the park and cooking in the kitchen.  It amazes me how much I love you. 

As always, I hope you know how much love the Lord has for you.  He has been right by you since you were even this young.  I have seen his hand of protection and provision work in your life already.  Remember Him, Kate.  Remember how He loves you.  Don’t let the world tell you He’s not real or doesn’t care about you, because He does.  He will be the only sure constant in you r life.  Lean heavily on Him. 

I love you to the moon and back.

All my love,

Mommy